worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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