I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
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