then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body†on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
