Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
