Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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