You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i dont even know how to be here
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
