you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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