two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
