An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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