In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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