matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
