What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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