I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
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