For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
