I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
