I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
