I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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