i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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