this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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