I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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