So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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