if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
