apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I need a burrito and a hug.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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