I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
