If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
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I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
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Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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