In America we eat man semen.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
