I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
So here I am, sexting at work.
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