It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I have peed in a lot of sinks
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
