Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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