I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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