So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
