I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize