The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
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