I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
