Someone shit on the floor
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
