We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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