I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
