ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
