The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
