Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
