Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
