you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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