If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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