I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
