She just used a chaser for red wine.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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