im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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