I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
