I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
