On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
