How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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