Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
