3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
