Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
