you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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