so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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